Posted by Rachel in Healing, Psychobabble | 8 Comments
Why Denial Makes Therapy Seem Harder Than It Is
People come into therapy because they are unhappy, in pain, angry, sad, etc. Essentially, things have gotten bad enough (emotionally, at least) that they realize they need help.
And then they come in for the first visit, delve into the story and their anguish, and because of this initial purging, they feel better. It’s the relief that comes from getting something “off their chest.”
As therapy progresses in the next few visits, however, I often see clients not wanting to go back into the emotional territory of their issue or related issues. They feel better, after all, so why would I want to bring them back into a world of hurt?
“Because,” I tell each person, “you are already hurting. You have been hurting since it happened. You just aren’t aware of it right now.”
What I do is help people remove this shield of denial so they can bring acceptance, love, and healing to the hurting parts. Â
So here’s the breakdown I give to my clients:
You are ALREADY in pain. Denial, the emotional anesthetic, is just keeping it from you. It is addressing the symptom—emotional experience of pain—but it is not dealing with the issue that caused the pain. What you don’t realize is that the pain is in your body and in your heart; just because you can’t immediately feel it doesn’t mean it’s been resolved or forgotten.
In our culture’s abbreviated manner of dealing with emotional hurt, we hear phrases like “forgive and forget” or “just get over it.” But trust me, that’s not “being an adult,” it’s the Bat Signal for Denial.
So yes, looking into the past may initially seem harder or feel worse, but the truth is that bringing your awareness to the hurt (followed by accepting and integrating the hurt parts)Â is the only way to heal the problem. As one client described it, “it’s so weird, but after each session, it’s like I feel worse on the surface, but much better deep inside myself.”
Rachel
I enjoyed what you wrote and I am sure you are an amazing therapist so please don’t take offense if what I going to say is a different point of view.
I was a psychotherapist for 25 years. After too many years of doing therapy with people that took them back into their pain and old hurts, I realized that although it was therapeutic to a degree, people used it as a way to avoid living in the present. One of my greatest teachers, Elizabeth Kubler Ross, said to me when I was in tears and sharing about the hurt inflicted on me by my father, ” so when are you going to stop using that as an excuse to not live your life fully now?” It was like a lightening bolt. I never looked back again. I had huge fears about doing what I wanted to do in the present so I focused on overcoming them and here I am now doing what I am really meant to do!
So I began to celebrate when people didn’t want to go back. To me, life is about being in joy, not hurt. It’s bad enough that you lived through it once, why keep re-living it?
I have taken those skills into my present business and I still help people to overcome obstacles.
I remembered her words and at some point I began to work with my clients in a much different way. I was seeing people who were abused so it was risky but it worked. I discovered it was way more powerful to stay in the present where there is the power to change.
Hi Kaya,
Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments.
It may surprise you to hear that I do NOT disagree! In fact, when I started out from school, my focus was much more centered on helping clients in the present moment and not working much with the past.
Now, though, the way I work with people is to do both. I recognize that it’s not possible to move sustainably forward until the past has been addressed and integrated. I think that’s the key: I help people look into their past and integrate and heal those traumas.
So I think we’re in agreement about the idea that taking action today and focusing on the present is necessary to long-term happiness.
My guess is that we work with different types of clients, though. A lot of my clients are people who have made a habit of NOT dwelling on the past…to the point where they almost can’t feel any emotions from their traumas. They have been using denial to continue functioning, but that doesn’t work for a lifetime. Eventually, all pain must come to the surface to be dealt with.
This is such an interesting discussion. I see both sides. Kaya, do you mean that you had conversations with THE Elizabeth Kubler Ross? Wow!
I was one of those clients that Rachel describes. I was SO in the habit of not dwelling on my past. Raised to “pick myself up” and move on because no one likes crybabies.
It was years after my divorce, when my child was 13 and we were having the usual mom-teenager issues, that I saw a therapist. And, man, it opened the floodgates.
I found that talking about the divorce (which I had never done) helped me find some resolution. It is still not in my nature to do be “self-involved” (I know, that’s not a good term to use, right, Rachel?), but sometimes that past just needs to be dealt with before it comes back to bite you.
I’m sure you do a wonderful job of guiding your clients through that process, Rachel.
Thanks for your piece, Judy.
Yes, that’s the kind of client I usually see. And, although I didn’t say so above, my guess is that Kaya has more experience with folks who dwell or get stuck in seeing themselves as victims.
In therapy school, they essentially teach us a basic rule of doing the opposite of instinct with clients: if someone is weepy right off the bat and speaking a lot about what “happened to” them, we offer a bit more tough love like Kaya described her therapist doing. And if someone comes in very straight faced and nonchalant about their troubles, we offer more empathy to allow the hurt to surface.
Of course, that’s totally client and situation dependent…a large part of the training is learning to assess the present moment and the energy of the field–what’s most appropriate and helpful in the specific second.
Judy, you’ve inspired me to write a post (or perhaps do a video blog) about the difference between “self-involved” and “self-aware.” Thanks again for your thoughtful and supportive comments.
Rachel, I love all of your articles. Wish you could post more frequently.
I saw this in an article and thought it would be fun to share.
\” F.E.A.R.: False Expectations Appearing Real. \”
It\’s the fear of confronting the pain, along with the naked/vulnerable feeling of laying myself wide open on a table, which usually drives me to pretend things are fine and not want to address past issues, but thanks to our sessions I am getting better.
I hear you, Brandi. Denial is a useful tool, at times. We need our denial until we have the emotional support to be able to face the past issues.
I’ve heard that “F.E.A.R.” quote before, but had forgotten it. It’s especially useful as a reminder right now, when so many of us in this country are getting freaked about the economy. Will there be change? Yes. Will it be the worst thing ever? Who knows, but I definitely subscribe to the idea that thoughts become things, so why give more power to the things we fear?
Thanks for your sweet comment on my articles. I’ll tell ya, the more clients I see in a week, the more inspired I am to write based on what I learn from the people I serve!
It’s weird how I stumbled onto this particular posting. I am the “child” of whom my mother references in the above reply. I just turned 40 but I remember those first therepy sessions well! They helped my 13 year old self a lot. I have just started seeing a therapist again and I’m afraid a bit of the “pick yourself up”, “you’re alright, you’re alright” mentality trickled down and is still with me. It’s hard to tell whether one needs to go back to the past to start living life now or not. I’ve been in therapy before and I felt really helped by it but my current one is more mindfulness based and has me doing “homework” on anxiety levels and such. Wish I had the nerve to say it’s not really working for me but I figure she knows what she’s doing right? Any suggestions for the consummate go-alonger?
Thanks for the comment, Kellye. It’s great to have comments from people like you who’ve been doing good work in therapy and had years to reflect on it.
As for your current situation, I highly recommend you tell your therapist what is on your mind. She does know what she’s doing AND every treatment needs to be adjusted to the client.
For instance, if you were getting medicine prescribed by a doctor and it gave you a big rash, you’d say something, right?! Your practitioner always needs feedback about what is or isn’t working for you.
Every client is different and needs adjustments to the way we work together. A good therapist will be not only open to that, but encouraging of you exercising your power and stating your needs.
Trust me, you need to bring it up.
If it goes badly, and your therapist acts mad or hurt, then she’s probably not the one for you. But I’m guessing she’ll be interested and want you to work with her more to learn what is useful for you. Or maybe she’ll explain more about it and you two can deepend your trust together. There are so many ways that it could go well and be an evolution in your inner work!
Taking that risk to express your feedback and then dealing with what happens next is important to your personal growth work!
It’s what I would want from (and for) my clients any day of the week.
Good luck!