Posted by Rachel in Healing, Psychobabble | 5 Comments
Why It’s So Hard to Ask for Help
I had this client who came in for her first visit, and spent the first twenty minutes apologizing for being a waste of my time because her problems weren’t “bad” enough. Later she told me that one of the biggest emotional shifts for her was when I helped her see that there was no hierarchy of pain — her struggles are just as important, her pain as worth healing, as anyone else’s.
For one reason or another, people everyday talk themselves out of getting help. While the story sounds convincing in our own heads, they’re pretty similar when you lay them out:
- Strong women are supposed to be independent.
- Men don’t cry.
- My family would never in a million years admit anything was wrong.
My particular sabotage is telling myself that I’m supposed to be able to handle anything, that asking for help is whining and it inconveniences and/or hurts those who have to help me. I’ve worked on this story of mine, and most of the time, I can reach out without much shame. It’s one of those issues, though, that I’ll likely be doing maintenance on my whole life.
Robert Fulghum wrote a great essay about a guy who was dying and decided not to tell his family because he didn’t want to worry them. Fulghum compared this to the one kid who plays hide-and-seek a little too well. He says he wants to shout, “get found, kid!”
I have a quote on my desk that I glance at when I, or my clients, need reminding about the importance of asking for help. Perhaps in reading it, you may be helped, whether or not you asked. Read it aloud.
Trouble is a part of life, and if you don’t share it, you don’t give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough.”
–Dinah Shore
Good ol’ Dinah. She has some wise words. Reaching out for help does give the fabulous people who love you something to do they can feel really good about. If we never give our support people this opportunity, everyone misses out.
I appreciate the examples in your post of what stories we may be telling ourselves about asking for help. I know I feel I’m supposed to handle everything myself or I’m a failure in some way. And I have a live-in support person who would love to help! It’s hard to break those old habits around asking for help…but it’s really worth a try.
Thanks for the comment, Heather.
Yes, I think we healers (coaches, therapists, doctors, what have you) are often the worst at asking for help. We’re the help providers, not the help receivers….yeah, right! As if our professions prevent us from being as human as everyone else.
Reminds me of something. I am a huge self-help geek. Once I was reading something or the other (Wayne Dyer I think) when my roommate walked in. He told me my books had ‘loser written all over them’. This came from a man who nearly blew up all of his salary on drinks by the middle of the month and had serious lung issue due to smoking. I have never regretted my reading habits since.
Thanks for the anecdote, VM. Yeah, I try to not pay much mind to anyone who gives criticism that’s wholly unconstructive. Especially if it involves name-calling.
Think about 30 or 40 years ago, when “self-help” wasn’t even a section in the bookstore. Thank god we’re gradually opening up and saying, “I’m not perfect…of course!”
One of our biggest problems, I think, is our tendency to constantly compare our (often churning) insides with everyone else’s (apparently competent) outsides.
Great post. And I’m TAGGING you!
(I just found out that you’re in my LinkedIn network, connected through our “Working Girl” friend. Networking is cool!) The meme-of-the-day is “what books have you been reading?” and here are the rules as I understand them. (BTW – I didn’t know what a “meme” was until I just looked it up yesterday!)