Posted by Rachel in Healing, Psychobabble, moment of zen | 6 Comments
Respecting the Path — The First Step to Healing
Last Friday, I went to another training in Systemic Constellations, a way of working that helps people connect with their ancestry for support and reconcilliation. (This is putting it very mildly–you can read more about Constellations here.)
Partly, I attended to get more training in work I deeply respect. And partly, I wasn’t sure why I was going, but I knew something in me needed support. I was having some conflict in a close relationship. Someone I care about deeply was really struggling and I was struggling to know the Right Way to help.
In my anxiety to help my friend, I was offering all kinds of tactics and techniques. You know, the “what about trying this?” or “how about you think of it that way?” or even “let me do some EFT or healing or process work with you!”
My friend wasn’t interested in any of this, but instead felt frustrated and pushed away. Now, I’m a therapist and healer, so you can imagine my own frustration at not being “able to help.”
As I’m sitting at the constellations training a day later, another workshop participant brought an issue forward that closely resembled my own. And the facilitator brought up the most useful concept in that moment. He said, “In judging this person, you are not respecting them or their path.”
Oh.
Right.
This thing I can do so well with my clients (who are not intimately tied to my personal life) is SO much harder to do with my friends, family and spouse:
Respect their path.
Everyone gets exactly what they need in exactly the way that they need it. I may have two hundred tools for transformation, but that’s not meaningful to the person who needs to find their transformation in the two-hundred-and-first way.
The journey a person takes to healing is unique. It is sacred. And it is absolutely personal. When it comes to my friend, I forgot that.
As I came out of my workshop, I called my friend and apologized for not respecting her Way. I metaphorically bowed to her process and her path. And this created a deeper bond between us, as she felt finally heard, held and understood, and I felt a release of me trying to help shoulder her burden.
What a relief and what a blessing.
I offer thanks to all my clients, past, present, and future, who continue to help me learn this Way of Being. Peace be your journey.
This actually got me misty eyed. Aww. It’s amazing how the desire to help can be such a complicated thing. Thank you so much for sharing!
Thank you so much. I always appreciate hearing that something I’ve gone through touches someone. It makes the world feel a bit smaller and more cozy.
Beautiful post, Rachel! It really is amazing how we can so easily forget what we know to be helpful or ‘right’ when we’re personally invested in the person or situation. How lovely that your friend was able to show you this, so you were therefore able to share it with all of us! A true gift.
I shared this again in a session with a client today. It is the kind of advice that I think we need to hear over and over again, especially those of us who so deeply want to be able to help.
Thanks for the comment, Melanie.
This post touched me, Rachel! Our idea of helping can easily be seen as interfering and meddlesome. It’s so easy to become blinded by our passions that we end up repelling rather than attracting.
Funny how we each want to be helped, cherished, and nourished in different ways. This is why I love the Enneagram. Sharon, if you liked this post, you’ll love http://www.heartofbusiness.com. Thanks for the comment!