What challenged me in this amazing exercise was not how big horses are, that there were no ropes or leads on them, or even my own expectation that I’d be able to lead them through force of will (…so NOT happening, by the way).

No, what challenged me was that the horses told me there’s still a way that I was not fully connected to my own inner power.

They saw, and reacted to, the fact that my initial contact with them was not as real as it could’ve been. I came forward with sweetness that was attempting to cover my own fear of making them startle. And they could feel the “hidden” fear, and therefore stayed away from me, in the beginning.

Once I saw this, I stopped in the middle of the arena and took time to ground myself, to drop my coping behavior, and to just be.

And lo and behold, Forest came trotting over to me.

So what does my experience have to offer you, my lovely readers?

I think it’s a story about how “fake it till ya make it” only works sometimes. It’s about how we can’t force deep connection, and trying to pursue it when there’s still turmoil inside ourselves is just going to scare the horses.

The next time I’m with them (and there will be a next time…I may even create an event, so let me know if you want to come with us!), I won’t be asking the horses to let me know that I’m ok.

I will start with validating myself, holding myself safe and nourished in my own Being, and trusting that the horses will come.

You may have heard this quote by Marianne Williamson a lot in the last few years. It hit me at a deep level when I heard it in the movie Akeelah and the Bee four or so years ago, and it’s stayed with me ever since.

I brought it up with a client today and our discussion got me wondering–is this really true?

Here’s what I think. I think we all have a part of us who IS afraid that we are inadequate. And we have a part that is afraid we are powerful. But now, why would it frighten us to be powerful?

I read “powerful” as “responsible.” I think when we are in a part that fears our inner power, we are worried about not being able to control that power, to wield it for good, to use it in Right Action. And this part of us worries about all that we could destroy…maybe even the world.

I say that our real goal is to attain full Beingness (you can call it Presence, Self, HIgher Self, Union with Spirit, or perhaps Enlightenment). When we are in our full Beingness, we have choice. We have options. And being able to sit among all our options and choose wisely IS power.

Our true power lies in our ability to clearly and calmly perceive our surroundings with deep compassion and wisdom. This compassion tells us we all spring from the same Source and this wisdom tells us that, no matter what our actions, Spirit has got us.

From this place, we can choose how to respond, whether it is to declare a deep “NO,” to place a loving hand upon a friend, or to simply sit in the moment.

And this place of full choice, full comprehension, and full heart…there is nothing scary about it.

* For those who do not know Marianne Williamson’s lovely passage, I’ve included the full quote below.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

Partly, I attended to get more training in work I deeply respect. And partly, I wasn’t sure why I was going, but I knew something in me needed support. I was having some conflict in a close relationship. Someone I care about deeply was really struggling and I was struggling to know the Right Way to help.

In my anxiety to help my friend, I was offering all kinds of tactics and techniques. You know, the “what about trying this?” or “how about you think of it that way?” or even “let me do some EFT or healing or process work with you!”

My friend wasn’t interested in any of this, but instead felt frustrated and pushed away. Now, I’m a therapist and healer, so you can imagine my own frustration at not being “able to help.”

As I’m sitting at the constellations training a day later, another workshop participant brought an issue forward that closely resembled my own. And the facilitator brought up the most useful concept in that moment. He said, “In judging this person, you are not respecting them or their path.”

Oh.
Right.
This thing I can do so well with my clients (who are not intimately tied to my personal life) is SO much harder to do with my friends, family and spouse:

Respect their path.

Everyone gets exactly what they need in exactly the way that they need it. I may have two hundred tools for transformation, but that’s not meaningful to the person who needs to find their transformation in the two-hundred-and-first way.

The journey a person takes to healing is unique. It is sacred. And it is absolutely personal. When it comes to my friend, I forgot that.

As I came out of my workshop, I called my friend and apologized for not respecting her Way. I metaphorically bowed to her process and her path. And this created a deeper bond between us, as she felt finally heard, held and understood, and I felt a release of me trying to help shoulder her burden.

What a relief and what a blessing.

I offer thanks to all my clients, past, present, and future, who continue to help me learn this Way of Being. Peace be your journey.

“Hey there,” he said, “I wanted to let you know that it doesn’t seem like you’re very useful lately.” Then he just hung around in the doorway like a bad smell.

Thank goodness that other teachers and healers are out there—this is the balm one of them brought me. I trust that these words will find you exactly when you need them.

Despite the dullness and barrenness of the days that pass, if I search with due diligence, I can always find a deposit left by some former radiance. But I had forgotten. At the time it was full-orbed, glorious and resplendent. I was sure that I would never forget. In the moment of fullness, I was sure that it would illumine my path for all the rest of my journey. I had forgotten how easy it is to forget.

There was no intent to betray what seemed so sure at the time. My response was whole, clean, authentic. But little by little, there crept into my life the dust and grit of the journey. Details, lower-level demands, all kinds of crosscurrents–nothing momentous, nothing overwhelming, nothing flagrant–just wear and tear. If there had been some direct challenge–a clear-cut issue–I would have fought it to the end, and beyond.

In the quietness of this place, surrounded by the all-pervading Presence of God, my heart whispers: Keep fresh before me the moments of my High Resolve, that in fair weather or in foul, in good times or in tempests, in the days when the darkness and the foe are nameless or familiar, I may not forget that to which my life is committed.

Keep fresh before me
The moments of my high resolve.

- Howard Thurman, excerpted from For the Inward Journey

Am I good enough?

Am I loved?

How do you answer those questions?

If you’re most people, you might not even hold still long enough to consider them. We like to stay busy so that we don’t have to face our deep uncertainties about these questions.

But when you’re in the long dark night of the soul, these three or four words seep out of you like foggy breath on a winter evening. Am I good enough? According to whom? What standard determines “good” and how much is “enough”? And whose affection do I really need to know that I am loved?

After you part the crowds of people in your mind who are standing in the place of judgement, you come to find that the only person seated behind the gavel at the tall bench is you.

Of all the beliefs my varied clients have, this is the most common. It doesn’t matter if the speaker is 65 or 25, everyone seems to think they should be more advanced, more wise, more mature than they are in the present moment.

When we use the word “should,” we’re often invoking someone else’s value system (eg. our parents’, our spouse’s, our culture’s). And not fitting into this imposed value system leads us to shame ourselves.

If you’re suffering from the “I’m too old to still be working on this problem” mentality, let me pass along what I tell every one of my clients:

1. Everyone I see thinks this, regardless of age.
2. All you have is now, this moment when you’ve finally grokked the issue and are ready to make a change…how could you have changed anything before this moment of full realization?
3. There is no one right path to healing; your way was the right way and time for you.

The truth is, there’s no point in blaming yourself for not getting here sooner. Then you just feel like a jerk AND still have work to do to fix the issue. So how about practicing some self-forgiveness so you can do the work with love in your heart rather than shame?