Since my awareness of being a spirit worker is only a couple years old, I remember very clearly what it was like to question how psychics, intuitives, and energy healers got their information. It was an inner struggle!

A part of me would look at them and think:

How do you know what you know?
How can you be sure you’re not just imagining it?
And for that matter, how can you be sure you’re not just crazy?

Then, this part of me would start to get a little scared that if I tried to let in this “other” kind of information, that I might become crazy or lose touch with reality.

Your resistance serves a purpose

Hey, it’s a valid thing to be concerned about. I am so glad I have a part that keeps track of reality and makes sure that I stay mentally, emotionally and spiritually safe!

And while this first part was busy being skeptical, dismissive, and even judgmental, another part of me would be inspired, curious, and hopeful that I could have some access to that kind of information.

Now I know that this second part of me was speaking for my heart’s desire and my connection to my Calling. But at the time, I just experienced an inner tug-of-war between these two parts.

Your inner yearning is meaningful, too

I think we all yearn to be more connected to Love and Spirit, which can externally look like many things.

If you’re here reading this, you’ve probably been drawn by this particular language about Spirit and by the idea that you could have more connection with sacred Source.

My journey to connecting with my guides and Spirit itself took a few years of struggle with myself and a fair amount of persistence.

Your information matters more than any other

The answers I got from other healers and intuitives were gradually fulfilling, but not nearly as much as connecting to my own way of knowing. Of all the intuitive information out there, I learned that I trust mine the most. And I think that’s ultimately true for all of us.

In other words, your own intuition and spiritual guidance is best for you, just like mine is best for me.

So, how DO you get connected with that guidance?

Your journey to finding your spirit guides is going to look different than mine, but I know that asking for what you want is the best place to start.

Below is a request or prayer that you can use to get started. I’ve written it purposefully to be clear, specific, and safety-focused.

Stay safe by listening to yourself

When you’re just getting started, it can be hard to tell what sensations and information is coming from your true spirit guides. Other people’s energies, and simply “Other” energies, are out there and can come in to your system if the invitation is unclear.

When you’re seeking True guidance, it’s very important to keep checking in with yourself to see if things feel right. Trust your gut and learn to use your body as an instrument.

If you feel shaky, disoriented, anxious, scared, or in any way unsettled, that’s important information. Listen to your body, your heart and your gut. Stop doing anything if it doesn’t feel right.

Here is the sample request you can use to get started. Please modify it to suit your own language and heart as you feel is right for you.

Spirit Guides, please help me to know you–those of you who are solely invested in my highest and greatest good. I want to know you, know how to communicate with you, how to hear the sacred wisdom you give me for my highest and greatest good.

Please help me to understand the information I perceive from the world and the information I receive from my extra-sensory perception. If you are sending me messages, help me understand that it is from you, my trusted and sacred spirit guides. Please help me find clarity. Please help to know how to hear you.

Your true spirit guides want nothing other than to help you to access more love and wisdom. They will always help you stay safe, learn more, and find joy. They are waiting for you to see them and begin a direct relationship.

If you want to stop by and tell me how this works for you, please do. I would feel blessed to hear and learn from your journey.

I was just on the radio with the lovely Leslie Irish Evans of Peeling Mom Off the Ceiling, talking about how to use a simple technique to change your emotional state in as little as five minutes.

Listen in to hear about my background and stay for the demo of Emotional Freedom Technique.

I was really in a bind. A loved one and I were in some deep conflict, and I really didn’t know how to get out of it.

After several months of inner struggle, I finally got some help and some space, and realized what was happening. And only then was any kind of change available to me.

We Are Often Blinded To How We Feel

Some part of me REALLY didn’t want to acknowledge what was happening.

This part of me felt like that information would overwhelm or paralyze me. And another part of me felt ashamed for being in the situation in the first place.

You could say everything in my system was conspiring to keep me blinded to what my real truth was – how much dread I felt in dealing with my friend, how much I felt I should have known better, how guilty I felt for being upset with him.

It’s Actually More Painful To NOT Know
Yes, it was hard to really see how much anger, shame, and sadness I was carrying around.

But trust me, it was much more painful to have those emotions buried and feel helpless to change. Seeing the reality of what was happening for me was actually a relief.

The Secret Second Step To Change
Okay, so I really acknowledged what was happening for me. And then….?

This is the secret step that most people don’t know about: You find compassion for yourself.

The truth is everything we do, EVERYTHING, is about trying to get more love and acceptance. When I looked at all the things I had been doing with my friend, all these coping and stifled behaviors, I realized that I was really doing the best I could.

All the parts of me that were hiding my truth were trying to keep me from feeling hurt. My anger was trying to protect me from feeling hurt. Even my shame was trying to help me be a good person and treat my friend well so that both he and I would feel loved.

Attention Is The Most Basic Form Of Love
The parts of us that keep us from seeing our deep feelings and needs are working hard to protect us.

One of the most loving things you can do for yourself is acknowledge your inner protection. Yes, even the parts that encourage you to have a drink or eat a bag of cookies or have a one-night stand.

Even those parts are trying to protect you. Even they deserve love.

The Inconvenient Truth
Is this easy? No.
Radical self-honesty and deep self-compassion take work.

Is it effective?
Abso-frickin’-lutely!!!

Why not try it and see what happens? Let me know what you discover.

Recently I experienced a big shock—the kind that most of us don’t encounter very often.

I was with a friend when I discovered evidence of a physical disaster near my home. I did not, at that time, know any of the details, nor did I know what kind of impact it might have on my own life.

Now, normally, I am a person who likes, even needs, to process my emotional impact verbally. In other words, I really like to talk things out. (What else would you expect from a professional therapist, right?)

But in this circumstance, I found myself unwilling to talk about my inner workings at all. My friend who was with me was even a little frustrated. She couldn’t understand why I shut down. I didn’t even know, myself.

So What Happened?

Later though, as I recovered from the feeling of shock, and that first big emotional whallop, I had some insight into my own process.

Usually, I am pretty grounded. I know how I feel pretty quickly, and I’m agile and adaptable, able to examine my shifting thoughts and feelings within a few minutes.

When something like that shock hits me, though, I don’t know how I feel. I hear lots of my inner parts giving all different kinds of feelings and ideas. I can feel my Core Self listening to them, kind of like a trained cop handling tens of panicky witnesses.

And I discovered that the reason I didn’t want to talk about these thoughts and feelings as they came up was because I didn’t want to commit to any of them. I could’ve explored any one of those thoughts and followed it down the rabbit hole, getting worked up about a particular story.

In that vulnerable state where I still wasn’t grounded enough to know what I believed, I sent up my boundaries so that I could calm the riotous crowd inside me until I knew what thoughts and emotion I decided to allow to fully exist.

How’d I Do That?

This may sound like some kind of zen mentalist magic, but the truth is that anyone can learn to do this.

In her book Emotional Alchemy, author Tara Bennett-Goleman talks about “the very latest research in neuroscience–including the neurological ‘magic quarter second,’ during which it is possible for a thought to be ‘caught’ before it turns into an emotional reaction.”

It’s so much easier to nip a feeling in the bud, before it really takes root and spreads throughout my system and I have to go digging up the entire weedy garden.

Dr. Carl Jung knew, more than fifty years ago, that such mindfulness was possible. I’m so grateful to live in an age where the tools to achieve it are so readily available.

Check out more in Emotional Alchemy.

A date stands you up.
She obviously doesn’t like you.

Your colleague gives you a dirty look across the room.
Your last email must’ve really pissed him off!

In so many places in our lives, we see a behavior and automatically make a meaning out of it. Everything from a glance to an email gets snappily run through our minds and attached to a reaction or feeling.

Part of this is biological. As animals, we’re built to rapidly process information so that we can react quickly, if need be. It’s how survival instincts work.

However, most things we’re reacting to aren’t life-or-death level situations.

Here’s how I work with my own brain to stop getting so upset by all these little situations. I call it “Alternate Stories.”

Every time something happens that starts to get me feeling negative, judgmental, sad or angry, I tell myself an alternate story about what might’ve been going on for the other person.

For example, say a person cuts me off in traffic.

My first response is to think, “Hey, look out, jerk!” And then I could proceed to get mad, feel my adrenaline rise, and start tailgating that car, just to show him he can’t treat me like that.

But before I take any action or speak, I think to myself, is there any other possible reason that guy could’ve made that lane change right in front of me?

…Maybe he’s on the phone hearing news that someone in his family just had to go to the hospital and is totally not paying attention.

…Maybe HE’s trying to get to the hospital because he’s having chest pains.

…Maybe he’s had a horrible day and his wife left him and he’s totally disconnected from anything besides his own pain.

…Maybe he’s just had a bug fly into his eye.

…Maybe he really looked in his mirror and thought he saw no one there.

…Maybe he’s really nervous on the freeway and just made a mistake.

…Or maybe he really is a jerk.
Maybe, but I just can’t know. As you can see from my list of maybes, there’s no way for me to know what’s going on with anybody else as they do whatever it is they’re doing.

(Sure, I may have really good guesses sometimes, but the point of this is this: none of us can EVER know for sure what’s going on with anyone else. Unless we ask them…and sometimes even then, we can’t be sure.)

Going through some alternate stories whenever I feel reactionary helps me to remember that I can’t know what’s up with that other person. And that sometimes my behavior could look just as annoying to someone else, even if I didn’t mean it that way at all.

The power of the Alternate Story technique is that it reconnects me to my compassion, my sense of “oh, yeah, sometimes I do that, too.”

If I don’t know for sure that he meant to run me off the road, it’s easier for me to allow space in my heart for him.

And at the same time, it helps me to un-attach from my belief that I KNOW anything. In this place of unattachment, rather than having to soothe my hurts or calm my anger, I am free.

Try it and see what you think. I’d love to hear your comments!

I’ve been “organizing” my stuff for pretty much my whole life. It’s a running joke among my friends. In a lot of ways, I have my internal stuff together, but I’m pretty sure the external struggle is mirroring something internal. Do you have any suggestions on how to start identifying what’s in my way?

And on another front: Although, I know what I need to do to lose weight (more exercise, better food in the right amounts), I struggle and continually fall into bad habits. I love many kinds of sports and exercise, and I love healthy food, so there is no hardship to living well in this way. Again, I’m wondering why I keep getting in my own way.

– GT

Well, GT, on the first one, I would like a little bit more info. What do you mean by “organizing” your stuff? You mean you clean house frequently? Or that you have a strong desire to sort through material things on a daily basis? Or something else?

In any case, I’d say that if you feel like this external behavior is really about something inside you, you’re likely right.

The first thing I’d suggest is to be aware next time you feel compelled to “organize.”

Just stop. Breathe in a few slow breaths. And ask yourself, “what do I REALLY want right now?” And then just be. Wait for an answer to come. Don’t *try* to figure it out. Just wait and listen to your heart.

And in truth, this is the same answer I’d give to your second scenario, especially when you’re thinking about eating something unhealthy (I do this a bit too often myself). Stop. Breathe. Ask and listen.

I think that many of us seek therapy because we’ve never learned how to do this, or because we keep forgetting. We need someone who is in the space with us, watching us have our reactions, to remind us to stop, breathe and listen.

Sure, we therapists do other stuff, too, but this is a big part of it. One of the most crucial things I learn again and again from my clients is that the answers about what you need come from within YOU.

Thanks for the questions, GT!

Anyone else out there have questions for the therapist?

I’ve been having some difficulty in a close friendship of mine. This person and I have been friends for about eight years and just in the last six months, things seem to have gotten pretty challenging.

In fact, the other night, I sat on the floor with my back to the wall just really confronting whether or not we could still be friends. I thought about how I’m no longer sure if this person even enjoys spending time with me. And I dealt with ALLLL the different issues that come up for me when a relationship feels troubled.

And I cried. A lot.

I’ll tell you, there’s something about just making time to really go into all those stories and wounds and hurt places inside that really helps me to get back to reality.

And here’s my reality: Why am I asking ANYONE else to validate me?

If I’m feeling unhappy because someone doesn’t seem to like me at the moment, I’ve given them permission to decide whether I’m good enough, funny enough, caring enough…just enough!

That’s not anyone else’s job but mine. So I took it back. This friend’s opinion will always matter to me, AND it’s not healthy for my heart to try to feed off of it. I have to feed myself.

And wouldn’t you know it? Ever since I took back that responsibility to validate me and gave it to myself, that friendship seems to have recovered. My parts and my heart are relieved. Life feels much simpler and friendlier to me this way.

(For those of you reading this, I must confess…this is not my first time having this realization. I have it again and again and again. And obviously there are times when I forget it. We’re all human and we all forget these deep things we know. I, for one, forgive myself for this.)

My journey to self-healing began when I cracked open my mom’s copy of Jonathan Livingston Seagull at age 15. So what you’ll find on my list of resources are some unexpected things mixed among the proper Self-Help books.

As my first Teacher, Richard Bach, says, you have to go through life like a baleen whale, sucking in great gobs of seawater and searching for plankton of truth. Some books are a buffet and some contain just the one kernel you needed.

Enjoy and comment here with your favorite books (or movies or whatever) that turned the lights on inside of you.

Check out my recommendations.

As you evolve in your life, trying to learn to trust your intution, your path seems to become much less….dependable. And not so much a straight-down-the-line-to-where-you-can-see-the-end walkway. It’s more like an invisible yellow brick road. And nobody else can see it or feel it but you.

So how DO you know or learn to trust that you’re going the right way?

Karen Floyd of Innate Design and I talked about this today on my Emotions in Small Business radio show.

Here are a couple gems from our chat:

• Try to release the self-judgement that you’re being “fickle.”
  You have to follow your passion and find your happiness, or else no one (not your clients, your family, or you) will be happy.
• Recognize that a closed door is guidance, too.
  Rather than take your pickaxe to the wood, consider that maybe this a sign that you’d be better served doing something else.
• Reframe your definition of yourself.
  I loved Karen’s clarification that she’s not “abandoning” anything, she’s simply adding passions to her life and career.

Be sure to listen to the end of the show, when Karen shares her Four Questions that help her decide whether to follow any opportunity.  I thought they were beautifully phrased, easy to remember, and insightful enough to show me where I get tripped up sometimes in my decisions.

There’s one moment where Elliot says this:
“…but relationships? I always heard that relationships were easy. That even when they were hard, they were easy.”

I remember watching that for the first time, and thinking who the hell has SHE been talking to?!

Let’s get this clear, right off the bat here: relationships are hard.

Sometimes, when the clouds clear up and the planets are aligned, we have some smooth days together. Nobody gets triggered, everybody is peachy happy keen. And yeah, at the beginning of a relationship, all the stories are new, the chemistry is super fresh, and the things that will later feel irritating are easy to overlook.

But if it’s the not the very beginning of your relationship, and all the stars are doing their own thing, well, you’re going to have to work in your relationship.

Actually, I lie. What’s closer to the truth is that you’re going to have to work inside yourself for the sake of the relationship.

What feels hard about relationships is how they urge us to change ourselves. To compromise or sacrifice…or more often, fight AGAINST compromise and sacrifice.

Working on yourself–learning to pause when you start getting sad or angry or depressed, learning to listen more to your inner observer, learning to stop yourself from saying something defensive and to instead acknowledge you made a mistake–that’s the hard stuff.

But it’s also the great stuff. Most of the time, I think self-work just feels hard because we don’t know where to start and we don’t know what to do. Things always feel hard when we aren’t happy and don’t know what will fix it.

If you just take a step though…find a book to get some wisdom or ides, start a daily affirmation practice, journal about your conversations with your partner to try to find patterns…you’ll discover that the payoff is incalculable.

Hey, I’m addicted to self-work for a reason. And if you need help finding a place to start, I’m here.