But what can I do? I don’t live in the South and I’ve already donated money. I’ve signed petitions and written my letters to the editor.

Then it seems like my heart tells me that I can do something more: I can visualize healing for the ocean and our community. And beyond that, I can lead a visualization experience for people like me who want to help but don’t know how.

But Here’s Where I Get Divided. . .

Another part of me remembers an episode of the sitcom How I Met Your Mother where the character Robin, a pragmatic New Yorker, has a strange moment of meeting another part of herself.

She has recently returned from a post-breakup trip to Argentina, where she fell in with drum-circling, communal-eating, hippy folks. As she returns to New York and her regular life, she starts to feel the pull between who she was on vacation and who she normally is. In a dream, she walks out into her living room to confront the dreadlocked version of herself.

This hippy part says, accusingly, “What about the important things, like…lying on the beach and thinking about peace? Don’t you care about thinking about peace?”

Is Visualizing Just Lying Around and Thinking About Peace?

There’s research that suggests using your brain to imagine an activity can actually make you better at that activity (for example, weight-lifting).

But does that mean that visualizing a larger change, like a clean and healthy ocean, for example, will make a difference? Or am I just soothing myself with a fairy tale?

What Science Doesn’t Know. . .Yet

There aren’t many research studies that can offer proof of the power of visualization or prayer on a large scale. Even though the movie “The Secret” features a woman saying she cured herself of breast cancer using visualization, how can we know that’s what made the difference? How do you measure whether something external (another person’s health, a World Cup game, or even an ongoing tragedy) is affected by something not tangible?

I can’t prove it to you, anymore than I can prove it to myself.

So what do I say to the skeptical part of me who thinks I might be acting silly and wasting time?

It Can’t Hurt

Focusing my positive thoughts and images of well-being on someone or something that desperately needs it certainly won’t make it worse!

I’ve seen and heard of positive results coming through after participation in visualization and prayer. There are so many stories, both commercial and local, that speak to the power of visualization. “The Secret” is just one example of people testifying to the idea that visualization can bring you anything you want.

People report having found lost wedding rings and gotten unexpected checks in the mail. A few celebrities, like Scott Adams, even speak to the power of visualization in their careers.

The skeptical part of me can at least get behind the idea that “positive thinking raise(s) your consciousness to possibilities so they can snag your attention” (Harvard psychologist Carol Kauffman).

It Says “I Care”

More than anything else, I think I keep visualizing and leading people through visualizations because it’s a way that we show our inner parts that the situation matters to us. We’re letting ourselves know that this IS a big deal, that it’s worth spending time on, and that we do crave change.

And how else can we start to create change, if not by declaring that we care?

There’s Hope in the Intentions of Others

I’m not the only one who feels a call to organize people in visualizing and praying for the gulf, by the way. Deepak Chopra, James O’Dea and other spiritual leaders have put together a set of three telephone and internet gatherings, which they’ve named “The Gulf Call to Sacred Action.”

I’ve signed up. And I may still lead my own kind of visualization ritual here. That’s me serving the best I know how.

Have you had an experience where visualization helped the outcome? I’d love to hear about it in your comments.

I was really in a bind. A loved one and I were in some deep conflict, and I really didn’t know how to get out of it.

After several months of inner struggle, I finally got some help and some space, and realized what was happening. And only then was any kind of change available to me.

We Are Often Blinded To How We Feel

Some part of me REALLY didn’t want to acknowledge what was happening.

This part of me felt like that information would overwhelm or paralyze me. And another part of me felt ashamed for being in the situation in the first place.

You could say everything in my system was conspiring to keep me blinded to what my real truth was – how much dread I felt in dealing with my friend, how much I felt I should have known better, how guilty I felt for being upset with him.

It’s Actually More Painful To NOT Know
Yes, it was hard to really see how much anger, shame, and sadness I was carrying around.

But trust me, it was much more painful to have those emotions buried and feel helpless to change. Seeing the reality of what was happening for me was actually a relief.

The Secret Second Step To Change
Okay, so I really acknowledged what was happening for me. And then….?

This is the secret step that most people don’t know about: You find compassion for yourself.

The truth is everything we do, EVERYTHING, is about trying to get more love and acceptance. When I looked at all the things I had been doing with my friend, all these coping and stifled behaviors, I realized that I was really doing the best I could.

All the parts of me that were hiding my truth were trying to keep me from feeling hurt. My anger was trying to protect me from feeling hurt. Even my shame was trying to help me be a good person and treat my friend well so that both he and I would feel loved.

Attention Is The Most Basic Form Of Love
The parts of us that keep us from seeing our deep feelings and needs are working hard to protect us.

One of the most loving things you can do for yourself is acknowledge your inner protection. Yes, even the parts that encourage you to have a drink or eat a bag of cookies or have a one-night stand.

Even those parts are trying to protect you. Even they deserve love.

The Inconvenient Truth
Is this easy? No.
Radical self-honesty and deep self-compassion take work.

Is it effective?
Abso-frickin’-lutely!!!

Why not try it and see what happens? Let me know what you discover.

Recently I experienced a big shock—the kind that most of us don’t encounter very often.

I was with a friend when I discovered evidence of a physical disaster near my home. I did not, at that time, know any of the details, nor did I know what kind of impact it might have on my own life.

Now, normally, I am a person who likes, even needs, to process my emotional impact verbally. In other words, I really like to talk things out. (What else would you expect from a professional therapist, right?)

But in this circumstance, I found myself unwilling to talk about my inner workings at all. My friend who was with me was even a little frustrated. She couldn’t understand why I shut down. I didn’t even know, myself.

So What Happened?

Later though, as I recovered from the feeling of shock, and that first big emotional whallop, I had some insight into my own process.

Usually, I am pretty grounded. I know how I feel pretty quickly, and I’m agile and adaptable, able to examine my shifting thoughts and feelings within a few minutes.

When something like that shock hits me, though, I don’t know how I feel. I hear lots of my inner parts giving all different kinds of feelings and ideas. I can feel my Core Self listening to them, kind of like a trained cop handling tens of panicky witnesses.

And I discovered that the reason I didn’t want to talk about these thoughts and feelings as they came up was because I didn’t want to commit to any of them. I could’ve explored any one of those thoughts and followed it down the rabbit hole, getting worked up about a particular story.

In that vulnerable state where I still wasn’t grounded enough to know what I believed, I sent up my boundaries so that I could calm the riotous crowd inside me until I knew what thoughts and emotion I decided to allow to fully exist.

How’d I Do That?

This may sound like some kind of zen mentalist magic, but the truth is that anyone can learn to do this.

In her book Emotional Alchemy, author Tara Bennett-Goleman talks about “the very latest research in neuroscience–including the neurological ‘magic quarter second,’ during which it is possible for a thought to be ‘caught’ before it turns into an emotional reaction.”

It’s so much easier to nip a feeling in the bud, before it really takes root and spreads throughout my system and I have to go digging up the entire weedy garden.

Dr. Carl Jung knew, more than fifty years ago, that such mindfulness was possible. I’m so grateful to live in an age where the tools to achieve it are so readily available.

Check out more in Emotional Alchemy.

What challenged me in this amazing exercise was not how big horses are, that there were no ropes or leads on them, or even my own expectation that I’d be able to lead them through force of will (…so NOT happening, by the way).

No, what challenged me was that the horses told me there’s still a way that I was not fully connected to my own inner power.

They saw, and reacted to, the fact that my initial contact with them was not as real as it could’ve been. I came forward with sweetness that was attempting to cover my own fear of making them startle. And they could feel the “hidden” fear, and therefore stayed away from me, in the beginning.

Once I saw this, I stopped in the middle of the arena and took time to ground myself, to drop my coping behavior, and to just be.

And lo and behold, Forest came trotting over to me.

So what does my experience have to offer you, my lovely readers?

I think it’s a story about how “fake it till ya make it” only works sometimes. It’s about how we can’t force deep connection, and trying to pursue it when there’s still turmoil inside ourselves is just going to scare the horses.

The next time I’m with them (and there will be a next time…I may even create an event, so let me know if you want to come with us!), I won’t be asking the horses to let me know that I’m ok.

I will start with validating myself, holding myself safe and nourished in my own Being, and trusting that the horses will come.

I’ve been “organizing” my stuff for pretty much my whole life. It’s a running joke among my friends. In a lot of ways, I have my internal stuff together, but I’m pretty sure the external struggle is mirroring something internal. Do you have any suggestions on how to start identifying what’s in my way?

And on another front: Although, I know what I need to do to lose weight (more exercise, better food in the right amounts), I struggle and continually fall into bad habits. I love many kinds of sports and exercise, and I love healthy food, so there is no hardship to living well in this way. Again, I’m wondering why I keep getting in my own way.

– GT

Well, GT, on the first one, I would like a little bit more info. What do you mean by “organizing” your stuff? You mean you clean house frequently? Or that you have a strong desire to sort through material things on a daily basis? Or something else?

In any case, I’d say that if you feel like this external behavior is really about something inside you, you’re likely right.

The first thing I’d suggest is to be aware next time you feel compelled to “organize.”

Just stop. Breathe in a few slow breaths. And ask yourself, “what do I REALLY want right now?” And then just be. Wait for an answer to come. Don’t *try* to figure it out. Just wait and listen to your heart.

And in truth, this is the same answer I’d give to your second scenario, especially when you’re thinking about eating something unhealthy (I do this a bit too often myself). Stop. Breathe. Ask and listen.

I think that many of us seek therapy because we’ve never learned how to do this, or because we keep forgetting. We need someone who is in the space with us, watching us have our reactions, to remind us to stop, breathe and listen.

Sure, we therapists do other stuff, too, but this is a big part of it. One of the most crucial things I learn again and again from my clients is that the answers about what you need come from within YOU.

Thanks for the questions, GT!

Anyone else out there have questions for the therapist?

I’ve been having some difficulty in a close friendship of mine. This person and I have been friends for about eight years and just in the last six months, things seem to have gotten pretty challenging.

In fact, the other night, I sat on the floor with my back to the wall just really confronting whether or not we could still be friends. I thought about how I’m no longer sure if this person even enjoys spending time with me. And I dealt with ALLLL the different issues that come up for me when a relationship feels troubled.

And I cried. A lot.

I’ll tell you, there’s something about just making time to really go into all those stories and wounds and hurt places inside that really helps me to get back to reality.

And here’s my reality: Why am I asking ANYONE else to validate me?

If I’m feeling unhappy because someone doesn’t seem to like me at the moment, I’ve given them permission to decide whether I’m good enough, funny enough, caring enough…just enough!

That’s not anyone else’s job but mine. So I took it back. This friend’s opinion will always matter to me, AND it’s not healthy for my heart to try to feed off of it. I have to feed myself.

And wouldn’t you know it? Ever since I took back that responsibility to validate me and gave it to myself, that friendship seems to have recovered. My parts and my heart are relieved. Life feels much simpler and friendlier to me this way.

(For those of you reading this, I must confess…this is not my first time having this realization. I have it again and again and again. And obviously there are times when I forget it. We’re all human and we all forget these deep things we know. I, for one, forgive myself for this.)

You may have heard this quote by Marianne Williamson a lot in the last few years. It hit me at a deep level when I heard it in the movie Akeelah and the Bee four or so years ago, and it’s stayed with me ever since.

I brought it up with a client today and our discussion got me wondering–is this really true?

Here’s what I think. I think we all have a part of us who IS afraid that we are inadequate. And we have a part that is afraid we are powerful. But now, why would it frighten us to be powerful?

I read “powerful” as “responsible.” I think when we are in a part that fears our inner power, we are worried about not being able to control that power, to wield it for good, to use it in Right Action. And this part of us worries about all that we could destroy…maybe even the world.

I say that our real goal is to attain full Beingness (you can call it Presence, Self, HIgher Self, Union with Spirit, or perhaps Enlightenment). When we are in our full Beingness, we have choice. We have options. And being able to sit among all our options and choose wisely IS power.

Our true power lies in our ability to clearly and calmly perceive our surroundings with deep compassion and wisdom. This compassion tells us we all spring from the same Source and this wisdom tells us that, no matter what our actions, Spirit has got us.

From this place, we can choose how to respond, whether it is to declare a deep “NO,” to place a loving hand upon a friend, or to simply sit in the moment.

And this place of full choice, full comprehension, and full heart…there is nothing scary about it.

* For those who do not know Marianne Williamson’s lovely passage, I’ve included the full quote below.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

My journey to self-healing began when I cracked open my mom’s copy of Jonathan Livingston Seagull at age 15. So what you’ll find on my list of resources are some unexpected things mixed among the proper Self-Help books.

As my first Teacher, Richard Bach, says, you have to go through life like a baleen whale, sucking in great gobs of seawater and searching for plankton of truth. Some books are a buffet and some contain just the one kernel you needed.

Enjoy and comment here with your favorite books (or movies or whatever) that turned the lights on inside of you.

Check out my recommendations.

Partly, I attended to get more training in work I deeply respect. And partly, I wasn’t sure why I was going, but I knew something in me needed support. I was having some conflict in a close relationship. Someone I care about deeply was really struggling and I was struggling to know the Right Way to help.

In my anxiety to help my friend, I was offering all kinds of tactics and techniques. You know, the “what about trying this?” or “how about you think of it that way?” or even “let me do some EFT or healing or process work with you!”

My friend wasn’t interested in any of this, but instead felt frustrated and pushed away. Now, I’m a therapist and healer, so you can imagine my own frustration at not being “able to help.”

As I’m sitting at the constellations training a day later, another workshop participant brought an issue forward that closely resembled my own. And the facilitator brought up the most useful concept in that moment. He said, “In judging this person, you are not respecting them or their path.”

Oh.
Right.
This thing I can do so well with my clients (who are not intimately tied to my personal life) is SO much harder to do with my friends, family and spouse:

Respect their path.

Everyone gets exactly what they need in exactly the way that they need it. I may have two hundred tools for transformation, but that’s not meaningful to the person who needs to find their transformation in the two-hundred-and-first way.

The journey a person takes to healing is unique. It is sacred. And it is absolutely personal. When it comes to my friend, I forgot that.

As I came out of my workshop, I called my friend and apologized for not respecting her Way. I metaphorically bowed to her process and her path. And this created a deeper bond between us, as she felt finally heard, held and understood, and I felt a release of me trying to help shoulder her burden.

What a relief and what a blessing.

I offer thanks to all my clients, past, present, and future, who continue to help me learn this Way of Being. Peace be your journey.