Fog to Fire

So you’ve decided to get some help and consult a professional. That’s a great first step, but…now what?!

Most of us go through years of spelunking and soul-searching to find a romantic partner or a best friend. And now you’re looking for someone that you may be confiding in even more. How are you supposed to find someone with whom you’ll feel safe doing such deep work, in a matter of days?

Here are a few of my thoughts on how to choose a therapist who will be ethical, trustworthy, and effective for you:

• Clarify Your Need
  It’s hard to find the right solution if you’re not sure what the problem is. So sit down and do a little inner questioning about what you want from therapy. Try to write down a couple thoughts about what you’re unhappy with or want to change, and what results you hope to get. This will give you something to hold on to while you do your research.  

  BTW, it’s ok if you’re not clear about what you need or what you want. Sometimes that’s exactly the problem people want to work on.

• Do Some Research
  Use the internet to find some therapists in your area. This can be as easy as typing “therapist” and your city’s name into Google. I like doing online research because you get access to so much direct and indirect information.

  For instance, you can learn about a therapist’s location, manner of practice or specialties, and see a photo of them, but you can also get a sense of the person by the look and feel of their website and what they’ve written on it. Is it calm and friendly or no-nonsense and business-like? And which appeals to you? There’s no correct answer; just trust your gut.     

  Here are some other things you should take note of from the websites you check out:

  – Hours and days of operation. Is he/she available when you can come in?
  – Type of service provided. Does she/he specialize or work on the type of thing you are wanting help with?
  – Cost and type of payment. Does the service fee fall into what you can afford? Do you need a therapist who takes insurance?
  – Education and qualifications. Is this person sufficiently credentialed to do this work?

  Also, if you feel comfortable doing so, try talking to your friends and family to see if anyone might have a good recommendation. Many great therapist/client connections begin with a trustworthy word-of-mouth referral.

• Make the Calls
  Now that you’ve done your research and have a short list of some therapists you think you might like, take advantage of the free consultation that most practitioners offer. Give each therapist a call to see how well you connect on the phone. Feel free to ask any questions that may have come up from your research, or tell them a very brief (1-2 minute) summary of what you want to work on.     

  Don’t worry about what you should say too much: a good therapist should be able to direct that consultation call so that both of you get enough information to decide if it’s a good fit.

  Also, allow yourself time to make your decision. There’s no need to commit during this call. You can end the phone call by letting each therapist know that you’re doing some research and will get back to them if you decide you want to book an appointment.

• Trust Your Gut
  I know I’ve said this before, but it’s important. Studies show that the MOST helpful thing, by far, about psychotherapy is the relationship itself. Not the therapeutic method or technique, but simply the power of the connection between client and therapist. So allow yourself to choose someone who feels right for you.

These are the things that I advise therapy-seekers to consider, but there are more ways to go about finding the right practitioner. Check out these “how to choose a therapist” articles for other perspectives.

I have a confession to make.

I love movies. Not in a classy way, like loving cinema or indie films, but straight-up, main-stream popcorn-chugging flicks. Other people are audiophiles or literary snobs; I’m a major studio movie freak.

I love them because I do believe, as Steve Martin says in Grand Canyon, “all life’s riddles are answered in the movies.” Yes, really. No, not really…but sorta really.

In this regard, I was perusing my DVD collection last night and pulled out the early 90’s classic, Groundhog’s Day. As I watched it for the twentith time, I realized it’s such a metaphor for personal growth work.

If you’ve never seen it, Bill Murray plays jerky weatherman Phil who gets stuck reliving the same wintery day in a small town in Pennsylvania. Realizing that no matter what he does, he will wake up the next morning with no consequences, he goes through many stages of acting out.

First, he tries his hand at theft and reckless behavior, and uses the situation to satisfy all his animalistic desires. Getting bored with that, he sees the glimmer of something worth working for–the heart of a kind-hearted woman.

But the Beloved cannot be won through trickery and manipulation, he finds out. She cannot fall in love with him because, as he blandly confesses, ”I don’t even like myself.” Now that his veneer of pleasure has worn away and the veil has parted so that he sees the truth of the life he has made, he falls into despair.

He begins the process of literal self-destruction, but, for whatever magical (spiritual?) reason, he continues to keep waking up alive on that same Groundhog’s Day morning. Having eventually grown weary of punishing himself, he finds humility, which draws his Beloved nearer.

This helps him to realize the importance of honesty with himself and he finally starts to work on becoming the kind of man he can enjoy being (instead of pretending to be). By the end, he’s living a day that makes him happy regardless of the future, and he is united with his Beloved.

And yes, it’s Bill Murray, for pete’s sake, but it’s really a funny and truthful movie about all the ways a person can live a life that makes them unhappy, and the one way to live instead a happy life.

So what’s the secret to living a happy life? Well, you should watch the movie, first of all. It’s much more evocative to see it in story. But I’ll give it to you in prose:

• Be honest with yourself.
• Take personal responsibility for your behavior and what parts you play in relationships.
• Be compassionate with others.
• Give back as much as you can.
• Take care of your mind, body, emotions, and spirit.
• If you want to learn something, practice hard and be patient.
• Forgive yourself for your mistakes.
• And remember that all you have to make yourself happy is the present moment.

If there are other fans out there, I’d love to hear your comments on what secrets to happiness you’ve gleaned from Bill.

p.s. I’m not the first person to find psychological depth in Groundhog Day. Check out this journal article, if you dare: Revisiting Groundhog Day (1993): Cinematic Depiction of Mutative Process.

          “You are never going to amount to anything.”
                                     “There’s no point to your life.”
      “Nobody can trust you.”                    “Nothing will ever get any better.”
                              “You are unlovable.”

Ever hear words like these coming from inside your own head? If so, you’ve met that dark devil Depression.

Whether it’s a temporary acquaintance or a long-term residence, Depression visits everyone at one time or another. The ways to combat Depression are as varied as the types of wellness workers in the world, and can include positive thinking, journaling, ongoing psychotherapy, and medication.

Regardless of how you pitch your battle, it’s important to keep in mind that those dark words you hear about how you’re not any good are coming from a voice outside of your essential self. Depression knows all your secrets and will prey on just the right sore spots to really take you down.

But It is not YOU. If you’re like most people, you’ll have another part in your head that combats whatever Depression is trying to convince you. This more rational observer part will remind you that you have done things worth doing, that there are at least five people who do love you, and so on.

Listen to the voice of reason and try to recognize that Depression’s goal is to get you down and keep you down, and It will fight dirty to do so. It’s gonna tell you lots of things that aren’t really true (ie. “nobody loves you”). Once you start getting that Truth is Depression’s kryptonite, it’s a downhill battle from there.

I had this client who came in for her first visit, and spent the first twenty minutes apologizing for being a waste of my time because her problems weren’t “bad” enough. Later she told me that one of the biggest emotional shifts for her was when I helped her see that there was no hierarchy of pain — her struggles are just as important, her pain as worth healing, as anyone else’s.

For one reason or another, people everyday talk themselves out of getting help. While the story sounds convincing in our own heads, they’re pretty similar when you lay them out:

• Strong women are supposed to be independent.
• Men don’t cry.
• My family would never in a million years admit anything was wrong.

My particular sabotage is telling myself that I’m supposed to be able to handle anything, that asking for help is whining and it inconveniences and/or hurts those who have to help me. I’ve worked on this story of mine, and most of the time, I can reach out without much shame. It’s one of those issues, though, that I’ll likely be doing maintenance on my whole life.

Robert Fulghum wrote a great essay about a guy who was dying and decided not to tell his family because he didn’t want to worry them. Fulghum compared this to the one kid who plays hide-and-seek a little too well. He says he wants to shout, “get found, kid!”

I have a quote on my desk that I glance at when I, or my clients, need reminding about the importance of asking for help. Perhaps in reading it, you may be helped, whether or not you asked. Read it aloud.

Trouble is a part of life, and if you don’t share it, you don’t give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough.”
–Dinah Shore

When I first heard of energy healing, I said to the woman who practiced it, “Okay, but what do you do?” She attempted to explain about moving energy around and channeling spirit. And then I said, “Yeah, but what do you DO?”

It’s nearly impossible to explain what energy work is to someone who has never experienced it. Much like gravity, which must have been hard to explain in the 1600s, body-related energy is something we experience but have little awareness of, or language for.

When I had my first energy work session, I was really skeptical, torn between trying not to laugh and hoping that something would have an effect on the pain I was experiencing. In my experience, it doesn’t “look” like or feel like much of anything is happening. But after that session, I felt good enough to think that it was worth trying again. I saw my energy healer for several months and had some very powerful results, including the release of pain from some early childhood memories.

Even after those experiences, though, when someone tried to tell me that I was an energy healer, I thought, “yeah, right!” I still had difficulty believing in the concept of energy work—I’d accepted that maybe it existed for others and it might’ve helped me, but not that it was so real that I would be a practitioner of it.

Embracing my path toward becoming a healer was not an easy one, but after a year, now I’m the one trying to help others understand what energy healing is. And I sympathize with those who tried to explain it to me.

Energy healing is not something that is done with words or with the mind, so it’s nearly impossible to translate it into words that the mind can comprehend. I can say it’s very metaphorical work, non-linear, and incredibly powerful. My clients can feel pain or heat or chills moving through the parts of their body that I put my hands over.

And I can’t tell you why. I can give you my guesses—that I am connected to Spirit (as we all are, but often forget), that I hold infinite love and compassion in my heart for myself and everyone I work with, that I know that whatever happens is bigger than me and my client.

The best metaphor I can come up with is that I am not the water that is cleansing my client’s energy; I am merely the garden hose.

The idea that we are influenced, hindered, and helped by things we haven’t yet been able to understand is a very ancient one. It’s an idea we’re not always comfortable with in this age of heart transplants, quantum physics, and nanotechnology. But the uncomfortable, ultimately comforting truth remains:

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”

Sometimes I get tired of telling my own stories and generating eloquence. Thank god that there are a myriad of inspirational, funny and wise thoughts out there. Here are some that inspired me today:

An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory.”

We turn not older with the years, but newer every day.”

Courage is only an accumulation of small steps.”

If today were perfect, there would be no need for tomorrow.”

If you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll end up someplace else.”

I found these great quotes on a set of cards from Borealis Press.

Ok, this may not be the most pithy or fascinating blog post from me, but here’s the thing: it’s spring.

And sometimes when the weather perks up, the crocuses bloom, and the wind carries, not a bite, but a caress, we can feel good. It’s not about doing the deep, dark work. It’s about having a heartful of love.

And that’s a great time to be generous. Smile openly at a stranger…with your lips and your eyes. Hug a friend for no reason. Find something that inspires you, fills you up with joy, and pass it on! 

One of my big shadows knocked on my door tonight.

“Hey there,” he said, “I wanted to let you know that it doesn’t seem like you’re very useful lately.” Then he just hung around in the doorway like a bad smell.

Thank goodness that other teachers and healers are out there—this is the balm one of them brought me. I trust that these words will find you exactly when you need them.

Despite the dullness and barrenness of the days that pass, if I search with due diligence, I can always find a deposit left by some former radiance. But I had forgotten. At the time it was full-orbed, glorious and resplendent. I was sure that I would never forget. In the moment of fullness, I was sure that it would illumine my path for all the rest of my journey. I had forgotten how easy it is to forget.

There was no intent to betray what seemed so sure at the time. My response was whole, clean, authentic. But little by little, there crept into my life the dust and grit of the journey. Details, lower-level demands, all kinds of crosscurrents—nothing momentous, nothing overwhelming, nothing flagrant—just wear and tear. If there had been some direct challenge—a clear-cut issue—I would have fought it to the end, and beyond.

In the quietness of this place, surrounded by the all-pervading Presence of God, my heart whispers: Keep fresh before me the moments of my High Resolve, that in fair weather or in foul, in good times or in tempests, in the days when the darkness and the foe are nameless or familiar, I may not forget that to which my life is committed.

Keep fresh before me
The moments of my high resolve.

- Howard Thurman, excerpted from For the Inward Journey

It’s late, or, rather, early, and I’m thinking about something a professor of mine said. Dr. Tim Weber posits that there are only two questions in life that really matter. All of our angst and our striving come down to these two things we desperately want to know.

Am I good enough?

Am I loved?

How do you answer those questions?

If you’re most people, you might not even hold still long enough to consider them. We like to stay busy so that we don’t have to face our deep uncertainties about these questions.

But when you’re in the long dark night of the soul, these three or four words seep out of you like foggy breath on a winter evening. Am I good enough? According to whom? What standard determines “good” and how much is “enough”? And whose affection do I really need to know that I am loved?

After you part the crowds of people in your mind who are standing in the place of judgement, you come to find that the only person seated behind the gavel at the tall bench is you.

In honor of Martin Luther King Day, I’d like to quote the great hero:

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction….”

While he was talking about our culture, our community values, I believe his words apply to our inner work. When you look inside yourself and see your flaws, your failings, your same-old-problems, you might feel anger, hatred and despair. Many of us do–it’s pretty human to despise parts of ourselves.

Of course, hating parts of yourself does not make them go away. What we need to do is shine the light of attention and, yes, love, on those crouching, grumbling pieces of ourselves.

Often when you bring your attention to these mean inner places, you’ll find that you will learn so much about them, and yourself. These parts of yourself may be trying to protect you. They may be coping mechanisms that kept you from getting hurt in some way.

Rather than trying to cut off or distance from a part of yourself, consider whether spending some time loving and forgiving yourself might accomplish something much more beautiful: brotherhood within yourself.

“I should’ve figured this out by now.”

Of all the beliefs my varied clients have, this is the most common. It doesn’t matter if the speaker is 65 or 25, everyone seems to think they should be more advanced, more wise, more mature than they are in the present moment.

When we use the word “should,” we’re often invoking someone else’s value system (eg. our parents’, our spouse’s, our culture’s). And not fitting into this imposed value system leads us to shame ourselves.

If you’re suffering from the “I’m too old to still be working on this problem” mentality, let me pass along what I tell every one of my clients:

1. Everyone I see thinks this, regardless of age.
2. All you have is now, this moment when you’ve finally grokked the issue and are ready to make a change…how could you have changed anything before this moment of full realization?
3. There is no one right path to healing; your way was the right way and time for you.

The truth is, there’s no point in blaming yourself for not getting here sooner. Then you just feel like a jerk AND still have work to do to fix the issue. So how about practicing some self-forgiveness so you can do the work with love in your heart rather than shame?